


to make something beautiful

by maddy_does (favefangirl)



Series: carry on countdown 2020 [30]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Communication, Future Fic, Getting Back Together, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Post Book 3: Any Way the Wind Blows, Sort Of, wounded baz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:14:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28286061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/favefangirl/pseuds/maddy_does
Summary: After the gang save Watford (again, this is really becoming a habit) Simon and Baz get a chance to address the elephant in the room.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: carry on countdown 2020 [30]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2026733
Kudos: 33
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2020





	to make something beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> Carry On Countdown Day 30, Dec 24: Any Way the Wind Blows
> 
> A huge thank you to everyone involved in [@carryon-countdown](https://carryon-countdown.tumblr.com/). They've all been amazing at getting the word and the works out, and have been super receptive to both compliments and criticism to make this years countdown so amazing. I've never participated before, but I've had an amazing time and I hope people have enjoyed what I made. I think this year more than most we've all needed something like the joy of content for our favourite ships, characters and fandom, so this has been a really amazing way to get a good end to an abysmal year! 
> 
> Secondly, a huge thank you to everyone who has read, left kudos and or commented on my fics. It's been so amazing to get so much support and you've definitely kept me going when motivations were perhaps not so high. If any of you have enjoyed even one of the 30 fics, then this has been a month well spent, and I can go on happy in the knowledge that I improved someone's day in even such a minute way.
> 
> I'm frankly amazed at myself for being able to complete this because consistency has never been my forte when it's come to writing. Sometimes the quality may have suffered as a result, but I've completed the challenge and I get to feel really proud of myself for that. Catch me not writing anything Carry On related for, like, a year now though, lol!
> 
> Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it, and Happy Snowbaz day to everyone else!

Penny won't stop fussing over me. She's cast that many healing spells I'll be tasting sage for a week. Finally I manage to grab hold of her hands before that ring of hers can do anymore damage. "Bunce," I say softly. "I'm fine. I'm fine."

She still looking at me like I might cry and it dawns on me that I may actually be expected to comfort her here, God forbid. I have to stop myself from sighing in relief when Simon walks into the room, followed by Penny's mum. Penny rushes to them immediately, and it's fascinating to watch this aggressively independent woman cling to her mother. Both Simon and I avert our eyes. Penny's father is downstairs, but she hesitates to see him. It's not until Simon nods her along that she agrees to go. Mitali awkwardly squeezes Simon's shoulder before she leaves, and suddenly we're left alone in the room.

It's strangely familiar being alone in this room at the top of Mummer's House with Simon. A million years and no time at all have passed since this used to be our room, where we'd bicker and fight and I once showed him the stars. Simon loiters awkwardly by the door like he doesn't quite know what to do with himself in this space. He shoves his hands in his pockets and rocks back and forth on his feet. He scuffs at a mark on the floor with the toe of his shoe, a mark I'm pretty sure he made one time when I pushed and poked him until he went off. Bloody martyr had singed half the linen in the room but kept me perfectly safe. He pulls a face, eyebrows furrowing and nose scrunching up, before releasing and finally looking at me for the first time since our fight on the lawn.

"Are you okay?" He asks, not quite meeting my eye.

"I'm fine," I say, even though my leg feels numb, I have a headache that won't go away, and I could probably sleep for days at this point.

He looks back down at the singed floor board. "I'm sorry," he mumbles.

I swallow thickly. "Me too," I reply. 

The fight hadn't been about anything ground breaking - just the futility of our relationship, our incompatibility, the inevitability that we will either destroy each other or be forced to go our separate ways. I've known Simon Snow would be the end of me since I was eleven years old. The talking was new, though. I don't think we've ever done that, not really, not about the stuff that counts, anyway. 

He nods, and I think there might be tears in his eyes. "Okay," he says hoarsely. "I'll just... go then."

"Don't," I respond immediately, jolting forward as though to catch him before he can leave. "Please," I add, slightly desperate, as he turns to me with his eyebrows furrowed. He stares at me for what feels like an eternity before I finally find the courage to say, "I don't want you to go."

I watch as realisation dawns on his face and I'm relieved that he understands I don't just mean right now. During our fight on the Great Lawn he'd started on about Lamb, about how he still thinks the best place for me is among other vampires, as though I don't wake up and count every second that we're not together as time wasted. As though I would know how to function without him in my life. I've been half in love with this boy since I was thirteen years old, and part of me knows there will never come a day where that changes. I tried to make him see that I can't be happy without him, but I don't think he listened. He's listening now.

"I know things are difficult," I say carefully, aware that whilst he's not actively leaving, he is stood directly by the door and may bolt at any minute. "And I know they're not going to get any easier after all this." I pause to consider my next words. "But I don't care." When Simon frowns, I quickly continue. "I mean, I don't want to give this up just because it's hard."

"I can't be what you need," Simon says, sounding like a confession. He tugs his hands out of his pockets, and drags one through his hair sharply. "I'm useless, I-"

"You just beat Nicodemus," Baz argues. I push the blankets off myself and get to his feet with a wince. I'm still sore despite all the spells Penny had cast. I stumble over to Simon, or at least tries to. I make it to the end of Simon's bed and have to lean heavily against the bedpost. "You're still the hero, damn you."

Simon scrunches up his face and shakes is head. I want to reach out to him - I've wanted to my whole life but always stopped short. I've always been scared of asking too much, of scaring him away. It's been worse whilst we've been boyfriends on both accounts; the wanting to have him and the stopping myself short. I've taken what I could with the thousand mile stares redeemed only by holding hands until I felt like he was merely an extension of myself. America seemed like a dream getting to touch and getting to kiss. There's always been one thing missing though, in all our years together. Getting to talk.

"I'm not," he denies. "I can't be. You're better off with-"

"No," I protest. "Or, maybe."

I shake the sudden fuzziness from my head, and shuffle around the bed pole until I'm sat on the bed itself. He makes an aborted move forward, then stops himself as though he too daren't go the final mile when reaching out. As though he too has the voice in his head telling him that he's not enough, and how do you touch the constellations. How do you compete with infinity in his pocket. 

Maybe it's my voice. I've spent my whole life putting him down and trying to keep him at arms length through my own selfish desire not to have to deal too much with my feelings. I've pretended at superiority as though he isn't the best person I know. I showed him the stars in this room, but I also told him a million times over that he would never reach them, and sometimes I even acted as though I was one. Deep down I know I can never replace what he lost in his magic, however much I might've wanted to pretend like I could ever be enough for him.

"I don't care what's better," I manage, choked up now, slouching against the side of the bed and clutching at my side where there's a shooting pain that might be heartbreak. "I just want you!"

"Baz!" He responds, and at first I think he's about to protest my words, but then my vision blacks out and I wonder if maybe he was rushing to my aid.

I wake up in a vaguely familiar bed an indefinite amount of time later. I blink my eyes open blearily, and go to wipe the sleep away, but something stops my hand. I manage to look to my side and see Simon, kneeling on the floor, gripping onto me like a lifeline. I'm on his bed, or what was his bed, which now belongs to some random boy who Simon has sacrificed everything to save twice now. Dr Wellbelove is in the corner of the room and when he sees that I'm awake, he comes to my side.

"Basilton," he greets, overly formal as most members of the club are when they address me. "It's good to have you back. We were quite worried for a moment there." He gives Simon a pointed glance, but Simon just keeps holding tightly to my hand, staring at me with wide eyes. "You took quite the hit spell wise, but we've managed to deal with it." He pauses, sheepish, then flashes a tight smile. "There is the slight issue of..." He clears his throat. "Well, there's the delicate issue wherein..." He furrows his brow. "I'm quite afraid that somehow in the battle one of the vampires..." He rolls his fingers together in the air. I pity his patients if this is his bedside manner. "It's been decided in no small part thanks to the advocation of young Mr Snow here," he gestures awkwardly at Simon, "as well as Miss Bunce and... My daughter." He manages the last words through gritted teeth. "It's been decided that you'll be able to keep your wand." He stands by the bed in silence for an uncomfortable amount of time before clapping his hands and saying, "Well, that's me for now. I'll come back and check on you later and we'll discuss the, hmm hmm, _issue_."

As he leaves I nearly laugh. The whole speech is reminiscent of the conversation I had with my father when I told him about Simon and I. It's quaint how similar these rich, educated men are so similar in their bigotry. I do wonder, though, what Penny, Simon, and especially Agatha could've had to say that would've kept me from being stricken from the records and losing my wand. I go to ask, but when I look at Simon he has tears in his eyes. With the hand he's not currently clutching, I reach out to gently wipe a tear away.

"I don't want to lose you," he whispers, gripping me tighter. "I know that's selfish-"

"I don't want to lose you either," I reply, voice croaky. "If I have you I don't care about anything else." He sniffs hard and presses his lips together. "Can I?" I ask, not caring how desperate I sound. "Can I have you? Even when you're down? Even when you won't get off the sofa? Even when I'm cruel and arrogant and not worth any of it? Please?"

He nods frantically and finally lets go of my hand, but only so he can gently climb into the bed beside me. I try to move to give him more space, but I'm still too weak, and I find I don't even really mind when half his weight ends up settled on me. I always appreciate a reminder that he's alive and breathing and tangible. I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight, not minding the way he sobs into my collar bone and squeezes me this side of too hard in return. I wish I could reach back in time and show the boy who slept just across the room a still of this moment right here where Snow and I are alive, on the same side, and enjoying this so, so much better than fighting.

**Author's Note:**

> this feels like an anti-climactic end to COC, but it's nearly 11 on christmas eve and i'm a little tipsy so we're going to roll with it. 
> 
> i have many feelings about what may happen in awtwb so feel free to send me any questions, but either through fic or through tumblr i'll probably be writing about it anyway.
> 
> so a lot of my canon compliant fics are meant to fit together. like, luna girl follows this one, and the warnings nicodemus gives fiona in boys that we knew and aftermath both pertain to this so, yeah. it's not strict, but it's something i kinda tried in a couple of fics.
> 
> anyway, if you wanna leave a comment or a kudos they're much appreciated! especially let me know if there's something you think i forgot to tag! i wrote and edited a lot of this whilst watching the jim carey a christmas carol so... yeah. no promises :)
> 
> i'm taking prompts! if you're interested please drop the prompt in the comments below. if you do send a prompt be prepared for me to take fifty years to fill it because school is so hard (or, i guess, uni now, lol), but i promise i'll try! come say hi on tumblr: [@maddy-does](https://maddy-does.tumblr.com/)
> 
> thanks for reading, have a wonderful existence.


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